Pre-Primary observations December 20, 2007
Hey Tiny Santa Clauses!
Look at these nutballs! Time for some jokes about them.
I just got back from Texas and I couldn’t get over how many “Don’t mess with Texas” bumper stickers there were. I was like, “Excuse me, Texas – I had no intention of messing with you.” And they’re like, “But you were gonna.” And I was like, “Nuh uh.” And they were like “Yea huh!” It seems to me that George Bush used this logic when devising his foreign policy. It’s like he showed up in the Middle East and was like “Don’t mess with the U.S.!” And they were like, “We weren’t going to.” And he was like, “But you did.” And they were like, “ That’s our cousin – we don’t even stay in touch with him anymore.”
So I’m back in New York now and I can’t seem to stop watching the lead up to the presidential primaries, I think because it’s on every channel all the time every second of the day- with the exception of Fox news, which has done a great job of thoroughly covering the Natalee Holloway case and K-Fed’s hip hop and modeling career. I tend to think that people just vote for the candidate who serves their own selfish needs. Like if there was a candidate who could get the smell of cat pee out of my couch, I would vote for that candidate.
On the Republican side my favorite candidate is Mike Huckabee, partly because of the Chuck Norris ad which is hilarious and partly because I’ve been meaning to go to church for a while and I always watch the state of the union address, so I figure I could kill two birds with one stone.
Rudy Giuliani kind of scares me. I kind of feel like Rudy thinks 9/11 is his birthday. He gets that excited look on his face and buys himself a cake and lights two candles and watches them burn down. And then he looks around and says, “What do I get?” And his advisors are like “$15 million in speaking fees!” and he’s like, “That’s even better than last 9/11!”
Mitt Romney is like a presidential candidate from a sci-fi thriller. Like the character who never stops smiling but secretly has that Terminator 2 robot skull. Jon Edwards always gets flack for his 400-dollar haircut, but I feel like he might donate one of those haircuts to Romney, so Romney might look less like a Ken doll. Romney’s hair looks so much like Ken it makes you feel like if you pulled down those neatly pressed pants you might see Ken’s smoothed-over private parts. Maybe that’d be good for the White House. He’d be like, “I am not able to have sexual relations with that woman.”
Which brings us to Hillary, who I like but I’ve always been annoyed by – partly because I like Bill so much and I feel like she’s been cock-blocking this guy for like 30 years. C’mon Rodham – Let a player play! I feel people resist Hillary because they fear she’ll do crazy woman stuff like order wreaths for Christmas in August, so she tries to act like a man, which makes people nervous that she’ll do crazy man stuff like invade Iran, and they’re not sure they should vote for a black candidate because he might do crazy black people stuff like write catchy songs that tell bitches to ” get out the way.” One of Hillary’s campaign managers got caught trying to smear Barack for drug use he talks about in his own book. That’s like trying to smear Tom Hanks for doing Bosom Buddies. Let’s focus on the fact that he saved Private Ryan!
I actually did a fundraiser for Barack Obama this week. It’s the first time I had ever done anything like that. But I’m not endorsing him – because I feel like if I endorsed him he’d lose, or at least come in third and trip over his shoelaces. But I performed at the fundraiser because he doesn’t take money from private interests. I don’t know much about politics, but that seems like a pretty admirable thing. Plus, he offered to get the pee smell out of my couch.
Fa-la-la-la-late again [now with added update & *ping*] December 18, 2007
[I started this post on Monday, so even though it’s now Tuesday – we’re going to just go with it. Thank you.]
I know. I KNOW. I was supposed to be back forever ago. It just seems that the entire Christmas season has reared up & kicked my butt the past couple of weeks and the whole thing just kept getting worse & worse, until finally yesterday I just completely shut down in an apparent attempt to make it all go away[!] & spent most of the day in bed & the rest of it on the couch. Then by last night, I was exhausted from my long day of taking it easy so I had to go back to sleep. AND. You would think that maybe I would be rested & raring to go by this morning, which is kind of what I thought, anyway except that would be wrong because I actually had the nerve to over sleep this morning. WTF?
***Moving on to Tuesday***
It’s maybe a good thing, that I had that reflective, renewing time yesterday however, because this morning – after a frantic rushing around to compensate for the oversleeping thing, I got to my car — put the key into the ignition — and this is precisely when my car flipped me the bird. It was all, “Lady, you’ve got to be kidding. It’s 20 degrees out here & I flatly refuse to work under these conditions.” I believe this is called, ‘having a Monday’. But I won’t say that, because it’s annoying. I’d prefer you don’t say it either.
I called Harold, who is not only handsome, but also oh so handy. Usually. But since he was at work at this particular time of the morning, he was handsome, handy & also powerless to do anything about my current situation. As an alternative, he ordered me next door to solicit help from Chester, our 80-something year old neighbor. Who, despite his advanced age, could likely ‘take’ any one of us. Not saying that he would. He’s very gentle – like in a Paul Bunyon way. Yeah! He’s like Paul Bunyon; the Golden Years. Like instead of his footprints producing Minnesota’s ten thousand lakes, now his garden produces ten thousand tomatoes. I know this, because he gave us 7,000 of them.
You might can see how he could be handy.
But I digress …
Fortunately Chester did come to help. Unfortunately, it was not … uneventful. The poor man tried to jump start the battery, but in addition to flipping me off, it also decided to pretend like it didn’t recognize my key. I think it was just showing off for Chester. Throwing it’s little Swedish weight around. All, “I’m Sveedish. Eishn’t that veird?” Well I, for one, was not impressed.
And since I’m getting bored of this story and the rehashing of it, I’ll conclude by telling you that to round out my 20 degree, 1 hour late to work, frost-bitten toed morning, we had to push my car out from in front of the garage doors [might I add that I was in heels y’all!] so I could drive the GEO to work. Which just to add insult to injury [because frost-bitten toes are I think, somewhat of an injury on account of it HURTS – the GEO proceeded to sound like a dune buggy. It’s all uphill from here. Right?
I also have not managed to get my Christmas cards out yet. I purchased them. I have printed my labels & I have written AND printed my Christmas letters. I have sent exactly zero. This happens every year. Every year, I spend actual money on either new, sparkly Christmas cards or making Christmas cards, and every year, they sit on my desk. Leering at me. Because they know, they KNOW, how bad I am about sending out Christmas cards. I am missing the Christmas card gene. It is the same gene that makes your thank-you notes leave your mailbox in a timely fashion and allows you to arrive places on time. Such as work.
That said, I am going to make a SUPREME effort to get those cards out tomorrow, which will involve them being signed, sealed & stamped by tonight. That’s right. Supreme.
Anyway, I’m going to wrap this up [Oh, jeez. I need to do that too]. Well, anyway, my goal to remove that stupid post about Indian’s nipples is gone from the top of the page. Whew. So Maddie has basketball from 6-7 & after throwing in some laundry [we’ve reversed the inside-outness of our under garments long enough] then feed my children. I’M DOING CARDS TONIGHT!
Fa-la-la-la-la to you! Watch your mail!
[Update: Handsome, handy, Harold-in-a-hurry* bought & dropped a new battery into the Saab by the time I got home yesterday. Hurray! He also saved us about $80 by doing it himself. See? Handy!]
* Harold’s voicemail used to say, “…if you need to reach Harold in a hurry, please call …” It sounded like that was his name. Or maybe his title. And that’s funny. So, anyway, it stuck.
[3 little stars will be used to represent either a continuation of a previous entry OR a complete subject change. In this case, it will mean both. Thank you.]
Hi y’all. Well, I did it. I got my cards out. Do you hear that noise? That’s the collective groan of every nerve in my body collapsing in relief because they’ll no longer be taunted by mean-spirited Christmas cards sticking their tongues out all, “So y’all. Who wants to place a bet on where she’ll stash us this year?” They’re gone & good riddance. Oh, and for those of you who receive them, “Hey, enjoy. Happy birthday, Jesus!” Sorry. At least with some background knowledge of the agony & effort it took to get it to you – you can know how special you are. And if you don’t get one, well, then it’s only on account of I either didn’t have your address OR you’re a friend from the internet & we don’t really know each other. Feel free to provide me with your address & I’ll send you one directly. Now look. I’m out of control.
*** [these are the ones that mean I’m changing the subject completely. Thank you.]
In addition to the car not starting incident – when I got into my car yesterday morning everything seemed fine until I got onto the highway & hit 55 mph. At that point it began making a *ping* *ping* *ping* noise, which, at first I thought was coming from the Christmas music on the radio, but then I switched to Bob & Tom & it was still there. Then I noticed that the screen was telling me that I was traveling at 55 mph. Why thank you. It’s nice that you noticed, but will you stop *ping*ing please? No? Only if I drop below 55 mph, huh? Well, I’m on the highway, so well anyway. Which, what a useful feature, that I am right now at this very moment fully appreciating.
Self: “Harold, why is this car pinging at me when I hit 55 mph or above?”
Harold: “Hmmmm? You know, it’s probably something to do with the computer resetting when I put the new battery in.”
Self: “Interesting. Well, that needs to not happen anymore.”
Harold: “Yeah, that’s probably pretty annoying, huh?”
So I was optimistic, because Harold knew now. And when he knows, stuff gets fixed. But then I left work. I’m driving along when suddenly *ping!* But, I’m not doing 55 yet. I looked at the screen. It read, “Close door”, and showed a picture of my trunk open. So not only am I careening down the highway with my trunk ajar, but apparently that memo will be accompanied by a *ping* as well. Right on. Then I hit 55. *ping!* There you are friend. Hello. So, we now have *ping*, hey Layni, you’re doing 55 now, I just wanted you to know. *ping*, and now you’re doing 56. *ping! ping! ping!* and so on. But it’s now accompanied by *ping*, close your trunk! Let’s turn up the radio, shall we? Then it happened. *ping*, new message, ‘Your windshield washer fluid is low’. Really? REALLY? Well if you could alert me of that all the way home, I’d really appreciate it.
In the meantime December 9, 2007
Indians Lose Their Nipples Every Full Moon
“But on the bright side, when they reappear they smell exactly like fresh baked sugar cookies.”
Huh, what? Well, you’ll need to check out this website. [Oh, yeah. Sorry. I don’t have time to post, but in the meantime … enjoy. Go there. Seriously entertaining. And also wrong.]
Jeez. It’s 1 a.m. I have to go to bed. Goodnight!
Christmas. We’re bringing it. December 3, 2007
Hi y’all. I hope everyone had a great 1st weekend of December … um, weekend. Ours was very nice. Thank you.
Today is my Mom’s birthday [HaPpY BiRtHdAy MoM!], so to celebrate we went to dinner last night at Palomino’s downtown Cincinnati. Coincidentally, it was during the same time that Santa thrilled the crowds gathered on Fountain Square by repelling down the side of the Macy’s building — you know, as told in all of the old Christmas stories. Right? Anyway, it was all very exciting.
Did not plummet to his death. Christmas is still on!
After dinner we headed to Larry & Jodi’s so they could borrow the children to decorate their tree. Just one more service I provide – child labor. We had a surprisingly FANTASTIC cake from the BonBonerie, which I honestly didn’t think I would like, on account of it was some sort of spice cake – which I typically don’t care for, but this was a black raspberry spice cake with buttercream frosting & CARAMEL people! Yum-o!
Anyway, all of this was followed by the annual taking of the family pictures. And since it’s late & I need to get to bed [curse you Tin Man for being on twice tonight], I leave you with overwhelming evidence that family fun can be had with a bunch of dorks & a tripod.
Mom, unaware there’s a cat toy on her shoulder. Laughs anyway! Classic.
23 days left until Christmas! Enjoy the holidays everyone!